Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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