there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
