How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
no, he came in my armpit
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
