Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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