Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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