She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
