I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Bring me that man meat
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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