Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hippo gnu deer
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
