that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
