when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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