i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
