I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
