Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
