He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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