o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
