If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
