So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
