She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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