I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize