my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
