If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
