We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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