VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
