they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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