My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
