Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
