what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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