Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
