I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
