In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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