i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
