i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I touched a dick in church today
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
