Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
