Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
