A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
