I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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