He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize