You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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