my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
