I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
