I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Randomize
