We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
