Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Randomize
