cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
