i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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