Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
