How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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