I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
