Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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