The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
