epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
