whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
