I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
