seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
