you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
