I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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